You can keep your knitting gods, damnit! Tell them to leave me alone!

Witness Exhibit A)

The Sampler Scarf.

This scarf is made from Bernat Softee Chunky. A yummy acrylic, thick and squishy. The color is perfect and this makes a good excuse to play with stitch patterns without havgin 1,232,32o little squares lying around.

However, this yarn also causes my knitting ADD to flutter around, as I have ANOTHER WIP (that I hesitate to photograph) that has been languishing for months, 3/4 finished. I have almost 1/2 a skein of that left, and i don’t know how much it will take to finish it.

Your knitting gods, Ms. Harlot, could have hit me on the head first to remind me to finish that stupid stuffed lobster before I started on my new favorite scarf. But noooooooo. I HAD to go and fall in love with it. Then, when faced with the possible prospect of frogging this scarf, I started to CRY.
I settled on finally accepting fate, and knitting for as long as I could with what yarn I had. Luckily, with some stash digging, I found another 1/2 skein of the yarn. If I’m lucky (which I’m not, ever.), I’ll have a respectable length.

Witness, please, Exhibit B:

The 1st of a pair of socks.

Here’s where those stupid knitting gods really got me.

Knitting god 1: Hey, Rogue needs to knit pair of socks for the FCE Cultural Arts Fair!

KG2: Hey, your like, totally right. She has some white wool in her stash.

Rogue (me): Hey! I think I’ll knit some socks for the FCE Cultural Arts Fair. In 28 days! Out of wool!

KG2: This is too easy.

KG1: Oh hey, Thhat Cinderella Pattern looks good. It’s even got charts!

KG2: SHE HATES CHARTS. AWESOME.

KG1: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

Then, I proceeded to write Rogue’s Rules for Socks:

1- Cast on using funky weird new cast on you’ve never used before.

2- Knit 1 row.

3- Realise that you’ve cast on wrong amount of stitches, and you did the cast on wrong anyway. Frog.

4- Cast on again. Triple check stitches and cast on method.

5- Knit 3 stitches, and realise that this time you’ve completely forgot that you were supposed to be knitting ribbing. Frog.

6- Cast on again. Triple check stitches. Pay close attention to pattern. Successfully work first 5 rows of ribbing. Begin chart.

7- Get confused becuase you read : “P on WS/ K on WS for white blocks and K on WS/ P on RS for dark blocks”, and automatically somehow mistake that for “Dark blocks mean Knit, Light blocks mean purl”, and proceed to completely mess up the first 4 rows of the chart.  Tink back to 5th row of ribbing.

8- Repeat number 7 twice more, before remembering that you are dyslexic, and all your knitting problems are user error, not pattern error. Drink copius amounts of caffiene to get your brain going. Realise it’s now past 9 , and you won’t be able to sleep till 4.

9- Realise that you have so thouroughly marked up your chart that you need to print a new one. Print out second copy of chart, write extra notes on paper, and begin chart again.

10- Realise that you need to print out 3 more copies of the chart becuase you mark each one up so thoroughly that there is no chance of re-use.

11)-After printing extra copies of chart, remember that you used erasable pens on your chart specifically so you could reuse the same chart over again. Declare youself an idiot on row 23, and decide to update blog.

Ms. Harlot, please take back your knitting gods/fairies/demons/what the heck ever. My head is crowded enough without all the voices, and they really aren’t helping. Perhaps we could work out some sort of custody arrangement, with me having them once every other weekend?

Sincerely,

Rogue

 

(FYI for all those reading, the sock is a unique construction, being knitted flat on two needles and seamed up the sides. The pattern is called Cinderella, and is available in the fall 2007 issue of Knitty (http://www.knitty.com). The yarn is Lion Wool in “winter white”. Needles are US4s.

Also, I mean no illwill towards Stephanie Pearl McPhee, AKA the Yan Harlot. I love her blog, and her books. I was referencing one of her posts where she had to frog the same shawl approx. 10 times before finally succeeding. I apologize, Mrs McPhee, if I offended you in any way shape or form. Really. I do. You can have my alpaca sock yarn as an apology gift if I did so. I promise.)

 

Note to SELF:

Make your pictures smaller, retard. Your blog is a fixed width.