There is a TRIGGER WARNING on this post, guys. If you have PTSD or anxiety due to abusive situations, read on carefully. You have been warned.
Well, it has been SEVERAL years since I last activated and actually used this blog. I tried to reactivate it last year, but life got int he way really fast and well….the last year has been a huge change for me.
As a backstory, I want to tell you a little bit about what happened and why everything went dark here for so long.
See this pic?
This smirky ‘I know something you don’t’, happy little pic? Where I am skinny and needed no makeup because I had perfect skin and great hair?
This was taken during the week that I suffered the most physical and psychological abuse I would ever experience at the hands of my abuser. While he never hit me hard enough to leave lasting marks, it was there, the mental and sexual abuse made up for it. For the sake of not triggering my readers, I will suffice it to say that this picture signifies everything that was wrong with me, and the lasting damage in my mind all hides behind this picture, in my head.
So why the radio silence?
It’s simple: According to my abuser, ‘the internet was more important than I am.’ And from there, I was manipulated into stopping everything I enjoyed. This included studying (although I was not in school, I still studied.), knitting, crochet, reading, everything. My life became work, and nothing but work. I would get up, go to work with my abuser, spend the whole day with him, come home, and be with him. I suffered severe depression that lead to my self harming, and I joined a gym just to get an hours peace from him 3 times a week. I never got a moment’s privacy or peace except for the gym, until last spring.
To sum it up, I met a wonderful dork, He helped me leave my situation behind, and then last month I married that dork.
(Also I put on like 45 lbs, don’t judge. Running is hard and cake is good. Also, Knitting doesn’t count as cardio. )
However, I found something else too. I found that I had drive, energy, and enjoyment of things that I had given up long ago. Knitting gradually crept it’s way back in, as did Crochet. Then, cooking and sewing. Cleaning came last, and I found I genuinely enjoy the act of keeping a house tidy. Everything that had gone by the wayside in order to simply exist and not get yelled at or hurt magically came flooding back in fits and starts.
First, it was a little cowl. Nothing special, just some single and double crochet, made into a strip, and sewn up. It was even acrylic yarn.
Then, I jumped to a small blanket for my step daughter. After that came toys and hats and I’m slowly chugging my way through a sweater.
I can never get back what was lost to me. Time and abuse and every day life have taken certain things away that I will never experience, and that I can never experience again. I have lost the ability to have my own children, and the scars of my teenage and young adult life continue to influence me in what is often the wrong direction.
I am in therapy, once a week, to help heal the wounds that were inflicted on me. I still suffer flashbacks a few times a month, but it is nowhere near as bad as it was. Most of my days are now the normal humdrum of life, which is something I never experienced before. It is doctors appointments, picking up toys, work, cooking meals, ordering out because I am too tired to cook, taking time for myself, and not being yelled at for forgetting to pack something in someone’s lunch, or for leaving a tool at home that would be needed later. That last one is important.
I truly look forward to writing here again, to showing off my crafting and cooking skills, as well as photos of the family, the cat, the dog, and other random things that I think you might find interesting.
It’s good to be human for once, and I am enjoying the wife life.